"Give It 2 Me": Originality is so cliche, Lourdes

Now that we've jumpstarted our trek into the pungent bowels of vintage Venereal Girl, it's only right that we disappoint ourselves by checking in with Vadge in 2008. After "Everybody," Madonna systematically changed the face of pop music, revolutionized the art of music video, won a British accent, and released a mostly-OK myriad of CDs, DVDs, books, clothing lines, and (only during her least inspired times) two children. One important thing to remember is that Madonna really started believing her own hype in the late '90s, which means she has since been determined to "stay ahead of the game," "constantly reinvent herself," and "trend-set," like all the retrospective VH1 documentaries keep telling us. Another important thing to remember: Madonna fucked Vanilla Ice for awhile in 1991. You should just know that.

In 2008, Madonna curbed her talent of plucking fresh talent when finding producers to work on her album Hard Candy. Instead, she chose the most obvious, omnipresent, inescapable producers imaginable: Justin "Breaker of Britney" Timberlake, Timbaland, and Pharrell "Possibly Just a Tall Weasel" Williams. Finally, after 25 years, Madonna is the next Nelly Furtado.

"Give It 2 Me," the second single from Hard Candy, is produced by Pharrell, in case you couldn't guess by his garish cameo in the video. Otherwise, it's directed by someone who clearly took a few hints from past Madonna videos. Because, uh, every shot in this clip is lifted from a previous Ciccone effort. Ugh, even Perez Hilton's all over this one.

Let's start with the beginning and end with our suicide. "Give It 2 Me" opens with the exact premise as the "Hung Up" video from only three years ago, with Madonna proving to us once again, in case we fucking forgot, that she IS FLEXIBLE. And that her legs LOOK WONDERFUL AT AGE 49, DAD. Fair enough; but why wear such a similar leotard, mount such a similar barre, squat like such a similar creep-ass, and essentially recreate the essence from a video you made, like, yesterday? Without any sense of irony? Esther, you are such a bumblefuck old lady sometimes.

"Hung Up"

The plagiarism section of our program continues with Madonna flailing about in some digitally sped-up dance scenes. The frantic imagery totally smacks of the remix vid for "Hollywood" back in 2003, which was a memorably ugly year for Madonna fans. Anyway, for reasons beyond human comprehension, I happen to like that remix video (despite the awful fucking song's original version), but I don't think the reapplication of its main images shows ingenuity. And again, that video's only a few years old. Why are we recycling themes again?

Some obligatory-credit-giving coming your way: Though Madonna is, as expected, catapulting her butt cheeks in our face throughout this video, her costuming is stellar. It largely reiterates her "Hung Up" and "4 Minutes" garbs, but the addition of black-on-black '60s-reminscent stuff looks ravishing on those milky match-stick thighs. And it works for the Andy Warhol print-photography that sprinkles the video. Weeeeee. And now back to hate.

Yeah, let's dive into that Pharrell cameo you knew I couldn't forget. Unfortunately, Pharrell's secret life ambition remains becoming a character in the American Pie films, so we're subjected to his bizarrely teenage gesticulations. The "running man"? Check. The "Let's Fuck! Pelvis Thrust and Elbow Jut"? Check. The super-typical head-nodding? Check. But guess what, guys, dumbness is the name of the game in "Give It 2 Me," which has the single lamest bridge of any Madonna song in the past four years. For the record, Madonna, you don't have to tell us to "get stupid" as long as people like me still buy this shit. The mantra's pretty much a given... for us lonely, lonely people and our sickly open pocketbooks.

As for the remainder of the song? I don't hate it, but I think the horn-farts and bell-ringing better accompany grizzly bears performing on giant circus balls. I don't like Hard Candy very much, but even so, I'd only grade this song as the 6th or 7th best on the album. At least she spared us any famous life-lessons like "The road to hellllll is paaaaved with gooood intentions... yeeeeah!" This time the cliches only permeate the music video. Thumbs-diggity-down, Mother-thruster.

"Everybody": The devil wears flannel, and so goddamn much of it

Lucky for Madonna's legacy (and for us, this blog, and the fate of the world's children), the first video of Headmistress Ciccone's career still feels like a high-note. But in true Madonna form, the song's high notes are, in fact, not high, painfully easy to reach, and compensated with elaborate choreography. We're talking about "Everybody," Madonna's first single and declaration of dancefloor authority. The ideal drag queen sings this song through a bullhorn.

Strangely, the video opens with a slithery bait-shop clerk who woos us with his beaver-pelt haircut and an enormous brown leather vest. Oh, silly-fucking-me, that's actually Madonna, apparently fresh off a fishing trip at Lake Minnetonka, boasting a green plaid shirt and a Siouxsie Sioux bangs-and-makeup DIY starter set. Generally I applaud Madonna for her early getup, which was a genuine extension of her doorstop-urchin Danceteria days; but of course, Madonna is Madonna because of how swiftly and unashamedly she appropriates styles and themes of yore. That said, please welcome our emcee, Ms. Pat Benatarded, to the stage:

The girl's only worth about 43 bucks at this point, but she sure sells herself for at least 52.

Now that Madonna has assured us with Christmasy stage lights and bronze scrims that she booked the abandoned set of Name That Tune, she lets loose with the most determined step-side-step choreography I've seen since the singalong portion of my kindergarten graduation. The rest of the room's undulating patrons keep cool with -- what else -- top hats and Flashdance regalia. Sappy as it is, this video really epitomizes what Madonna fans actually love about her: that electric ignition of carnal liberation with several Dallas-sized helpings of melodrama. And yeah, bitchiness, bossiness, and dubious taste. Sigh. I could just lose myself in those beautiful words.

Except then I find myself again, choking wildly, on these words:

"I know you've been waiting... yeah...

I've been watching you... yeah...

I know you wanna get up... yeah...

Come on..."

First she forces us to orgasm with her belted khakis and black gym shoes, and now we're already ready for seconds with this breathy come-on. Get UP and do our THING we will, big M. All ovah your body. The viewer's pleas for mercy (particularly from my hot double entendres) escalate when the director brilliantly decides to superimpose multiple shots of Madonna on each other like so many strips of cellophane. The fun then turns seriously creepy when, in these layered videos, you can see the stage behind Madonna in the black of her eyes and open mouth. I'd say this was a huge directorial mistake, except Prince needed inspiration for the "Raspberry Beret" video somehow, and by God, "Everybody" pulled through.

This video is so classically campy, so bodaciously bad, and so delectably dated. Naturally, that means Madonna hates it now and I dig it severely. This disjoint in opinion represents quintessential Madonna fandom rigamarole; you find yourself becoming her adversary each time you like (or prefer) her lost personas. Except the Madonna in "Everybody" was not so much a persona as it was a scrappy Midwesterner scrambling for the bigtime. Despite what Mrs. Ritchie (or, ahem, the rumored ex-Mrs. Ritchie) may want, that motivation is what we still root for. It's not the condescending life lessons she spews in interviews, nor the trillion-dollar concert theatrics. It's about seeing that bitchy white girl's stake and thrill in dancing on top of the world.

And can you believe it? The ho may actually understand.