"Fever": No, officer, there was seriously a fire in her pants.

We began with 1983, where an excited young tramp dazzled us with the flexibility of flannel on the dance floor. We cruised to 2008, where we suffered a concussion from a 50-year-old's overeager slingshot groin. And now we coast back to 1993, where Madonna finally revels in the simple things of patrician life. And I do mean banana hammocks and green-screen rave parties. Just like mom use'ta!

It is "Fever," bitches. "Fever" is a sweltering (ha), predictably libidinous track off the underrated Erotica album. As you probably know, it's a cover of the ancient Peggy Lee standard, except Madonna elected to erase the verses she didn't like. (All that "forsooth" and "Fahrenheit/Centigrade" shit hit the floor, along with Madonna's pants, which we'll so get to in a minute ohmigod.) This wouldn't be the last time Madonna gutted a pop classic, but whatever, Don MacLean, no one fucking knows why Jack Flash was sitting on candlesticks or bitching about fallout shelters for 9 minutes anyway.

Video legend Stephane Sednaoui directed this clip, and while his presence yields no cameo by four Alanis Morissettes caterwauling cross-eyed in an Oldsmobile, his fast, minimalist style is thumping all over "Fever." Let's talk about the complicated storyboard: Madonna is a pink-haired pussymonster gyrating in front of a convulsing green-screen. A shadowy naked dude artfully shrink-wraps his dong in lycra. Moaning from Our Mother The Whore commences. Then three trucks of body paint! More thrusting! Unnecessary costume pieces appear! Everything comes together! Madonna's boobs win!! "Rosebud" is his sled!!!

OK, while the video's short on plot, it's big on color and drama. That aforementioned green-screen morphs a few times, but mostly it remains a smoky red-and-pink hypermix lightshow. Even the casual fan knows we're inside Madonna's vagina.

Three things actually matter about this 3-star video:

1) The Silver Body-Paint, Courtesy of True Value's After-Halloween BLOWOUT: Stephane looooves the head-to-toe puffy paint, y'all. He directed the Red Hot Chili Peppers' "Give It Away" video, a stirring tribute to the lost craft of the circlejerk, and we all remember the silver-coated gymastics of that one. Madonna obviously saw that video's idea and quickly began doing what she does best, and that's stealing. Here she's decked in silver paint too, which turns her hair into unfriendly stalactites. Objectively I appreciate this depiction of primal sluttiness, but let's-fucking-face-it, this shit's dated. She looks like a Gatorade commercial. Or, like, Capri-Sun. Either way it's peasant swill, and Madonna's trying to be Evita in like ten minutes so just ew.

2) Only the best in Party City headgear: Man, 1993 is making its presence known here, almost winking at us with John Bobbitt's ailing dickhead. When Madonna dons the golden crown near the end of the video, do we not see a slight resemblance to Michael Jackson's 1993 "Remember the Time" clip? I mean, there's no hot-headed Eddie Murphy here, no state-of-the-art "quicksand morph" CG, and there's DEFINITELY no motherfucking-baller-Saint Iman here, butttt there is a golden crown and rigid posing. Mmmmkay, fine, bad analogy, it looks more like my high school's production of The King and I, which is nearly as horrifying, though not quite as littered with singalong racism.

3) Earth, Wind & Pants: Best idea Madonna ever had? Wearing green-screen goddamn PANTS. Check out the blazing billows on those stretch bad-boys; they look like special-edition pajama bottoms for the armageddon. They're positively smokin'! Teehee! And a dream to squat in!

All this talk of fevers and flaming pants really makes me wonder if this song is Madonna's coded message to Carlos Leon or Dennis Rodman that she contracted chlamydia. You just never know. Even though you do know that Madonna's vulva are apparently beaming with green-screen projectiles, steaming up the joint, and causing that naked lad's abs to perspire. Might be best to buy the latex now, Carlos. A latex motherfucking snowsuit.